Анекдот - Дирижер

He talked and talked and talked (он говорил, говорил и говорил) with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve (но его исполнение просто не улучшалось; performance [p∂(r)`fo:m∂ns]).
Finally (наконец), before the whole orchestra, he said (перед всем оркестром он сказал; orchestra [`o:kıstr∂]),
"When a musician just can't handle his instrument (когда музыкант просто не умеет обращаться со своим инструментом; instrument [`ınstrument]) and doesn't improve when given help (и не совершенствуется, когда получает помощь), they take away the instrument (/они/ забирают /прочь/ инструмент), and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer (и дают ему две палочки и делают его ударником)."
A stage whisper ("театральный" шепот) was heard from the percussion section (был услышан cо стороны ударников; percussion - столкновение; percussion instrument - ударный инструмент):
"And if he can't handle even that (а если он не может владеть даже этим; to handle - оперировать; справляться), they take away one of his sticks (забирают одну из его палочек) and make him a conductor (и делают его дирижером)."

• Версия на Английском без подсказок

  A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
  Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
  A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."